I should be "over_the_moon" for my upcoming trip to Disney World. I am excited and happy but sometimes things lurk in the background that can drag you down from day to day. This is one of those days and I am dragging a bit.
You will notice that I *finally* changed my Blogger profile picture. I realized it was about time to update the picture to reflect what I see in the mirror, daily and to accept what is real and let go of what is past.
You see I have been holding on, VERY TIGHTLY, to that old image of me in April 2005. That image captures who I was in the days and weeks that I began my fight with Melanoma. That was a very important identity for me then but now I have found it is the mask that I am hiding behind and it time to stop hiding.
I'm not the same woman I was in April 2005.
"Of course you are not", you would say "It's 2008..."
Oh but how many days do I wish that I was still that woman? How many times have I looked in the mirror and thought, "It's not that much of a change, it's not that much weight." When it is.
But it is not just my appearance, although that is what I tend to focus on (and at times ignore) - it is the *whole* me and the struggle I have found myself in since being diagnosed "Cancer Free". Some day's I don't feel like I know who I am anymore. So I have been holding on to that "April 2005 Holly" as tightly as I can and in holding on, somehow, I lost a grip on the "Holly" that I am, here and now. I think it is the same as somebody looking in the "rear view mirror" so intent on where they were that they loose sight of where they actually are - so goals just fly by the wayside because if you don't really know where you are, how on earth are you supposed to know which way to go next to get where you want to go?
I have changed since my Cancer diagnosis - as we all must. But I wish somebody, ANYBODY, had told me that the hardest part of *surviving cancer* would be the SURVIVING part.
Oh and DON'T go and start telling me about "How lucky I am that I did survive..." because unless you have been there, you couldn't possibly understand how deeply and painfully I know that truth. I live it every day just like other fellow survivors and there is more guilt associated to that than you could possibly realize. We all deal with that the best way we can and do our best to appreciate what we have. It is not something I take for granted.
Look, this isn't some self-absorbed *pitty party* nor is it a cry for attention - I think it is some public affirmation.
I am NOT the same woman I was in April 2005, physically, emotionally or spiritually but unless I can look in the mirror and accept and appreciate the woman that I am right now in January 2008, than how can I possibly move forward.
So I updated my Blogger profile picture....and that's a pretty big step in looking at myself "Here and Now"